Just over five months after the big move and here I am awake at 2:15 am and unable to sleep wondering why I am awake. Is it because I am well rested and ready for the day yet (not likely)? Maybe it is because there is no breeze and I am sweating and find my pillow saturated (not uncommon). It could be because my shoulder aches and I can’t find a comfortable position. Possibly I have too much on my mind and am overwhelmed. Or it might be combination of all of these. Even with all of these possibilities I think it is because I am to busy during the day to hear God speak to me.
It is now after 2:15 and I have been awake for at least an hour and am past the frustration of being tired, sore and awake at a time that normally I would be sleeping. I have had time to go through my prayer list (the one in my head), read a couple chapters in my Bible and spend some time thinking about being here and so here are some of my thoughts.
This morning in my reflections I noticed that I no longer wonder why we are here but see clearly why me/ us and why now. I may not completely understand it but I can at least see how we are impacting the community in little ways right now. I am also able to see that the dreams and visions of programs that we had are really needed and will be something that inspires and changes lives (not just ours) if we see it through to the end. At first this was hard to see for a number of reasons one being that I was uncomfortable and struggling with the transition of giving up what I wanted and was comfortable with.
As I read from John 3 this morning I was struck by the words of John the Baptist “He must become greater; I must become less.” and “A person can receive only what is given them from heaven.” I think that was the major part of my struggle. I wanted to get greater and make my own way in this life and still do sometimes. I want to be comfortable and have security but to live the life I am given I won’t always be. It is hard to explain but I didn’t choose this life. Just like I didn’t ask to be born, I didn’t choose the Philippines now or the first time. Life was easier for me in the States but I am meant for here right now, maybe not always but right now. He has called me and my family to be here now, it is our place. To be here and make a real difference I must become less and He greater.
You would think that after getting married it would be easier for me to be less and someone else greater but it isn’t. Then having children should help me to think about self less but it didn’t. If anything it made me claim my own space more. I still struggle with that childhood desire to be first and probably always will. The choice was follow His plan or my comfort and security. The move here was another step in declaring me less, God’s plan over mine!
Now back to bed I’m sleepy again.
